13 August 2008

Bottom of the Barrel

Sadly, my current status as unemployed, housebound loser presents me with a paradox. On the one hand, I have almost unlimited time to blog. On the other, I am having virtually no experiences, and therefore have nothing to blog about. I mean, do any of you really want to hear about the five episodes of Intervention (a show that I find totally reprehensible, yet can't get enough of) I watched on Monday? Or about my short shopping trip to New Seasons with Miss E last night that led to the purchase of many potatoes and two loaves of bread? I thought not. It is, all things considered, a sad state of affairs.

Yet some of you (no names) believe that I should be writing anyway--

So I'll say a little something about J-bro's recent challenge to me to watch A & E's inexplicable The Two Coreys. If you don't know about this show, a short introduction: it is a half hour "reality" (I mean the quotation marks here) show in which Corey Feldman (of Lost Boys, License to Drive and Dream a Little Dream fame) and Corey Haim (of Lost Boys, License to Drive and Dream a Little Dream fame) perform their on-again-off-again-but-mostly-off-again best friend routine while Feldman's wife fans the flames and poses nude for Playboy. There is also something about the Corey's making Lost Boys III--a terrible idea--and couple's therapy (for Corey and Corey).

I have watched this show. More specifically, I have watched about 5 episodes of the current season. I have seen no episodes from the first season. I have only done this at the request of J-bro, whose taste I usually respect.

It's not even that this show is terrible (and it is). The larger problem is that I just don't understand it. Not at all. There is so much more unknown than known, that every time I watch it I end up more confused than I was before. I'm pretty sure that isn't how it is supposed to work. I'm just going to provide a list of some of the vexing questions raised by this show:

1. The format: Why is the show only a half hour long when A & E just runs 2 episodes back-to-back every week to make what is, essentially, an hour long show?

2. The believability factor: How does A & E expect audiences to continue to ride the roller coaster when one Corey or the other is constantly saying, "This is it. The end of my friendship with Corey. We're done. I'm done." (Both Coreys say this 2-3 times an episode--each.)

3. The therapist: Part One) Where did they find a therapist who would agree to conduct therapy sessions (individual, couple, family) on camera. Part Two) Why does this woman appear to still have a license to practice?

4. The drugs: Apparently Haim is on drugs. That makes sense given his behavior (unless he is actually acting. I don't put it past him.), and his puffy appearance and the fact that Feldman thought that he needed an intervention. But what drugs? And where is he getting them? And why is there no drug taking on film?

5. The mysterious brown liquid with ice cubes: Haim is constantly (and I do mean CONSTANTLY) drinking some mysterious brown liquid out of large plastic cups. It happens so often that it is distracting. To make matters worse, his assistant Nelle now also drinks the mysterious brown liquid. Out of slightly smaller cups.

6. The missing child: Um. Feldman and wife Susie have a kid (his name is--I looked this up on IMDB--Zen) but he is never seen on camera. Nor is there any indication that there is a child on the set. Nor do I think I have ever heard either Feldman or Susie mention their offspring. Apparently this child is 4. The only reason I even know anything about him is that J-bro mentioned him. That's messed up.

7. Art: Who told Haim that he could paint? Because he can't. What he does seem to do is buy a lot of painting equipment which he throws around a lot when he is upset. And sometimes paint does land on some canvases, but I'm pretty sure that it isn't painting. And then there is usually some cigarette smoking after the throwing around of the paint paraphernalia. Haim does the smoking, not KRD.

8. Hair: Am I supposed to want to see Susie Feldman straight-ironing her hair at least once an episode? If so, why?

These questions just begin to scratch the surface. This show is confusing. Worst of all, I have no idea why I'm supposed to care about these guys. I didn't like them when we were kids--Lucas notwithstanding, and let's be honest, I only like that flick because of Charlie-on-top-of-the-dryer-with-no-shirt-on-Sheen.

I'm sure that J-bro will be able to clear some of this up for us. I look forward to that. In the meantime I wish to add:

Listen, I bet that most of us secretly cared more about Cory Matthews than whiny Kevin Arnold. At least Cory had the stones to really have a relationship with Topanga. And we all know that Topanga was waaaay cuter than Winnie. She even had better hair (and that's no small feat). The only reason I ever really watched that show was in hopes that Karen (the fantabulous Olivia d'Abo) would show and have a meaty part.


Marcus said...

Fine, take your shots. I'm not going to respond, because that would just egg you on.

jbro said...

Okay first of all you have watched an episode from the first season, you actually watched it with me and I can't believe you don't remember because I laughed uncontrollably throughout the entire episode to the point of crying.

Second, this show is so compelling because both of these guys are horrific, and the funny thing is neither one of them has ever lived a day in actual reality, so it's perfect that they have their own "reality" tv show.

You really shouldn't get wrapped up in the details of the show, because as a whole it's absolutely ridiculous, the details only define what I already know.

Here's the thing about the Coreys, they actually believe in their fantasy, they believe they are people worth watching, which is actually hilarious, and yet when I watch the show I start to believe.

At one point in history these two idiots were sold as a brand, even though individually they starred in better movies,(Goonies, Stand By Me, Lucas) so is it any wonder they turned out to be caricatures, instead of actual actors or even better actual people. I think this show is different from the millions of other celeb-reality shows, mainly because those shows actually star celebrities. To be perfectly honest I have no idea what target audience this show is for, because true fans would be horrified, and nobody else gives a shit, so this show is a complete enigma, and I love it. Maybe I'm heartless, because I love the tragedy, but at the same time I'm pulling for them. It's like when Klosterman interviewed Billy Joel, and ended up having to cheer him up...C'mon Billy Joel it's okay you're Billy Joel...

I believe they truly are the Lost Boys.


jbro said...

Dude everybody knows Topanga was hotter, nobody is debating that, but the show was just ungodly, C'mon!

qwanty said...

1) While you may not be having any new experiences, you certainly have plenty of old experiences. Patrick Lunch is an old experience. You've been promising us the story of Pat Lunch.

2) I was in the waiting room of an oral surgeon's office today, and the person next to me was reading a magazine that had a full page ad for this Corey show. Synchronicity! Or something!

3) I asked Wikipedia about The Two Coreys, and learned that Feldman and his wife were married by M.C Hammer. M.C. Hammer! Maybe you all already knew this, but I certainly did not. Wikipedia also told me something very disturbing (or perhaps comforting) that I won't share here.

jbro said...

Yeah they were married on the Surreal Life, apparently that was Feldman's comback.

qwanty said...

Oh, and I totally forgot that I once thought Charlie Sheen was hot thanks to Lucas. I can't believe there was once a time when I didn't want to throw a water balloon full of soup at his face. How I've grown.

KRD said...

1. I blocked out the fact that I watched an episode of this god-awful show with J-bro. But she's right, I did.

2. OK, but can you at least tell me what the mysterious brown liquid is?

3. I read the wikipedia site myself. Was the disturbing/comforting fact that the Coreys are both Jewish? Because I found that disturbing, at least.

4. Yes, a water balloon full of soup. I second that. But he WAS hot in Lucas. Watch it again--it will almost restore your faith in him. Almost. It definitely will remind you how weird looking Winona Ryder is though.