09 January 2009

Milky Coffee Blues

There are many reasons to hate Starbucks. I know that I don't have to tell you people that. But here is one that you may not often consider: the popularization of coffee culture brought about by corporate, franchised coffee shops has made every yahoo think that he or she knows something about coffee, when really, he or she does not. This leads to the most annoying of all coffee shop encounters: 17 year old "baristas" who think that they know more about coffee than I do. They do not.

What follows is a true account of my coffee-buying experience this morning. I warn you. This is not for the faint of heart.

ME: Can I please have a soy cafe au lait?

17 YEAR OLD: UM? What did you want?

ME: A cafe au lait made with soy milk?

17 YEAR OLD: [with great disgust] Um? Is that some kind of Starbucks thing?

ME: No, it is some kind of French thing.

Then I proceeded to EXPLAIN to this half-and-half wit how to make a damn cafe au lait.

I think that SHE owes ME a dollar ninety, plus tip.

Of course, this is still second to my all-time favorite coffee ignorance story, which involves a young lady who worked at IHOP and asked me and Donna (and, for those of you who don't know Donna, let me assure you that she is NOT someone to whom you want to pose a stupid question) what "decaf" coffee meant. She worked at friggin' IHOP. They sell two things there--pancakes with whipped cream and coffee in carafes.



qwanty said...

Ha. When I first moved to Satan's Nethers I went to a campus coffee shop and ordered an au lait, and they gave me a great big cup with a tiny bit of coffee (not espresso, mind you), and then filled the rest of the cup with cold milk straight from the fridge. And then they charged me for an au lait, which was listed on the menu, AS THOUGH THEY ALL KNEW WHAT IT WAS. Bastards.

Some time you should try ordering a cafe au lait made with soylent milk. Because you are a people person.

jbro said...

Wow that could quite possibly be one of the bitchiest blogs I've ever read from you...especially that french part, damn, I mean damn...and this is coming from a person who used to spike the mall walkers decaf with caf, with the intention of killing them all, at least that's what I told anyone who would listen.

James said...

Well, it's sort of your fault. I mean, if you would have said, "The beverage that Mersault couldn't resist, even though he was at his mother's funeral, his enjoyment of which would later become damning evidence at his trial." She totally would have known what you were talking about then.

Old Man Duggan said...

Wait, what's coffee?